Frustrating

I am really struggling at the moment with finding the balance in how often I can see Jono. Both my parents and Jono's parents are becoming increasingly annoying about the work load for Jono, and it is continually frustrating me and him. This week particularly has been hard, I have had to call off two possible days of seeing him because of my mum not allowing it and it is so frustrating, especially as I have the means to travel there by driving. The temptation is a lot stronger in having a car, as I can be to Jono in 15 minutes, yet I know I would be shot if I left.
I was glad today that I allowed Jono the time to study and get through a lot of his work. I was really proud of him for doing solid hours of work today and also proud of myself for holding back the temptation of driving to see him. I then was invited to dinner tomorrow night, however in telling this to mum, she said I couldn't even though it is just for dinner, nothing else. It isn't to hang out, all I would be doing is going for dinner and leaving straight after, yet I am not even allowed to do that. I also cannot just go and deceive mum, I need to get her permission, but she is persisting with what she has said and I am getting increasingly annoyed about it.

I have been through year 12, I know you have to do a lot of work and it is starting to get to the serious end of the year, but honestly, not allowing me to just go over for dinner is so over protective. I care a lot about Jono and I am not going to distract him from his work, to the point where I am over at his house everyday for an excessive amount of hours. It is so hard to be supportive and say all the write things, like, "it'll be over soon and then we'll have all the time in the world", it is true, but it is so hard. I have been through year 12 with a boyfriend and I know it is difficult, but I am finding it so hard to stick with it and persist with holding back in spending time with Jono. Ah, I am so frustrated and annoyed at the moment and I don't know what to do. I want to throw something or yell at mum, but I know neither of them will work, neither of them will help in getting time with Jono.
I know this is going to get harder as the time goes on, as the work load will only increase, but it is already so hard. So where do I go from here, beg mum to allow me to go for dinner, deceive mum, be patient, throw something, take all my anger out on everyone else in the family (already done this), blog about my frustration (doing it), sit on the phone for hours with Jono. I have no idea what I want to do, all I know is that I want to see Jono without parents breathing down our necks, telling us what to do.
Ah frustration.

Mother Figure

As soon as my parents leave the house, for one night or a month, I become the Mother Figure in my household. I become the one that everyone turns to for cleaning the house, cooking, looking after the dogs, doing the laundry or looking after everyone else. My parents go away a lot and consequently, I am in charge a lot. Actually come to think of it, even when my parents are here, I am the Mother Figure, or second in charge. Mum calls on me for so much and so does everyone else in the family.

My parents left for Sydney yesterday, and so I was promoted to Mother Figure as soon as they left. I came home from work late last night, to find out that no one had saved me dinner. That was no problem, I just threw in some toast and had that. Then I looked at the state of the kitchen, there was crap everywhere and it was all Cameron's mess from his dinner. Fortunately he had fed the dogs, so I couldn't be too angry, so I emptied the dishwasher, stacked it again with all of the plates that had been left from Cam's dinner. I then got rid of all the rubbish on the bench that he had left. I wiped down the bench and once again the kitchen was restored to spotless area.
I then went onto the computer, just to check emails, do blob etc. I was on there for about 10 minutes before Brendan and Ally walked through the door from a Soccer dinner. Not long after they walked in, Brendan yelled for me to come to the kitchen. So I jumped off, left a very important MSN conversation and went to Brendan. He gave me this stupid little stare and asked if I could make him pancakes. Apparently the food at the soccer dinner was horrible and he was hungry. I said no and that I wanted to go to bed soon, that I had just cleaned up after Cam, got home to no dinner for me and was talking to someone on MSN. Well Brendan didn't like that at all, he called me selfish and said that I never do anything for him. Ally then came into the conversation and said that I was selfish, backing Brendan up. Well I just left, I wasn't going to stick around to have an arguement with them, even though they continued to yell at me, calling me selfish as I left.

This morning I got up earlier then needed and drove Ally to school, because she was tired from the Soccer Dinner, even though I went to bed later then her. I stayed up cleaning the house, put the dogs to bed, put away the crap left out after Brendan made pancakes and got ready for bed myself, all after I had tucked Ally into bed and gave her a kiss goodnight.
Thinking about it now, Ally really didn't deserve that lift to school this morning, not after the way she treated me last night. I am such a push over, when it comes to doing stuff for my siblings and for mum and dad. The annoying thing is that even if I told my parents about how I was treated while they were away, Cam, Bren and Ally, would deny that they did all of that, or say that it was just a joke. My parents will not do anything, however may just add to the load, by asking me to clean the house for them on arrival or make sure that Ally, gets to different places.

It is quite frustrating and I get roped into it every time my parents are not home, they could be overseas, interstate or just out of the house. I need a fairy godmother to help me or a second Lauren, so that I can have some decent nights sleep, able to do all my Uni work and help out around the house.

Travel

My family and I had a discussion over dinner the other night about travel. We are in the process of thinking about where we are going for the Christmas Holidays. Some of the suggestions have been Thailand, Africa, China and America. Ally, my sister, is going to be on exchange in France, so she doesn't want us to go anywhere, so that she doesn't miss out. I don't know how she could think she was missing out when she is having Christmas in France?? Brendan was planning on being in Spain with friends, yet isn't going anymore, so is keen for a trip overseas. Cameron never comes on family trips anymore, which led to his arguement. Cameron feels that he has missed out on many overseas trips that as a family we have been on. Cameron has missed out, he didn't come to Hong Kong, Singapore, Vietnam or France (even though I was the only one to go to France). Cameron is 23 years old and has got to a place where he doesn't want to come on family holidays with us anymore. He thinks he is too cool, as if. His aguement was that Mum and Dad should pay for a flight for him to go overseas with friends, because they haven't paid for a trip for him. Mum and Dad have said that they would be happy to pay for his flight if he came on a family holiday, but won't pay if he is going with friends. Is this fair? I personally think that Cam should pay for a flight when going with friends or by himself, but Mum and Dad pay if he comes on a family holiday. I would like someone elses opinion. Just so you know, he has a full-time job and has become quite wealthy, to the point where he is able to buy an apartment to move into, however he is still looking.

I absolutely love travelling. I love going somewhere new and exploring everything about it. I have an obsession with maps, looking at where I am going, knowing all the sights and working my way around an area. I am hoping that I get a map soon to put up in my room and then pin all the places I have been to already and also the places I hope to go to. I have a goal with my travelling and that is to visit each of the Seven Wonders of the World. I am fascinated by them and so far I have seen two out of seven. Different people have differing opinions as to the classification of the Seven Wonders of the World. For me it is Eiffel Tower, Coloseum, Leaning Tower of Pisa, Taj Mahal, Golden Gate Bridge, Great Wall of China and the Sphinx. So far I have seen the Golden Gate Bridge and the Eiffel Tower.
Not only do I love overseas travel, but I really enjoy travelling around Australia. So far I have only been on the East Coast, from the very top in Cairns, to down on the Penninsula. In a couple of years time, my two American/Australian cousins, Jess and Amy, my sister and I are hoping to go on a Road Trip around Australia together. This will hopefully happen when Amy and Ally finish School. Jess finishes next year in June and Amy finishes the year after in June, along with Ally in November.

My parents travel a lot for work and for their own enjoyment. Dad just got back from conferences in Hong Kong and China and then Mum and Dad are off again in a few weeks time, where they will consequently miss out on my birthday. I have no idea where they are going, but I know it is overseas, I am thinking it is America. High on the places for my parents include Sydney, as we have an office there (actually they are leaving for there tonight), New Zealand, as we have an office there too, America, some of our products are in operation there, Asia, because Dad is at a lot of conferences and parts of Europe, like Denmark as Dad is working on a product in conjunction with a man that lives there. My parents travel a lot, which is sometimes really hard to deal with as I am in charge, but it is also sad, when they miss things like my birthday.

So there are still discussions going on as to where we as a family are going for the holidays. At the last minute my parents will tell us where we are going and I cannot wait to find out where it will be.

Uni

Uni...where to start? I actually really enjoy Uni. I have a great group of friends there, who I get along with really well. I love most of my subjects, this is not including 'The Physical Environment', mainly because my lecturer makes me fall asleep and we have practicals where we have to study rocks for three hours.
I enjoy going to Uni so much, even more now that I have my license and can be home in 20 minutes or get to Uni in 20 minutes. However lately I am not going, I have been really unwell and for some reason I cannot find motivation to go to my letures or tutes. I feel really bad because I am missing so much Uni. I love it when I am there, yet I am only going in twice a week. I go on Wednesdays and Fridays. Monday, I have one lecture for Maths and it is easy, so I don't go to that, Tuesday, I don't have anything and Thursday, I have two lectures, but they are so boring that I don't go. Therefore I am at Uni twice a week and I have a friend in every class and lecture, it is fantastic.

I really don't have much to say about Uni, I just felt like writing about it, as it is a big part of my life. At the start of the year, I was so apprehensive about going as I had never had to change schools, so I wasn't use to making new friends and I didn't know how I would cope in a new environment. However, everyone, especially in Education, are so nice and welcoming. Being in second year Uni will be weird next year, I will feel so old, I don't want to grow up. Speaking of which, I am going to be 19 years old in about three weeks time, yuck, I want to be like Peter Pan and never grow old.

Well I have my day off from Uni today and so I can do whatever I like, I have done all my Uni work for the week, now I better go get some other Uni stuff organised or maybe start looking at my next assignments, do things in advance, what an idea, instead of leaving it to the night before...I take that back, leaving assignments to the night before is my way of doing things, they may not be quality, yet I get them over and done with, even if there is great stress. Yesterday I handed an assignment in two minutes before the office was going to close, it was a close call. I felt very fulfilled handing it in, however I felt like crap at the same time, because I knew what I had handed in was crap. It is done now and I cannot take it back. On a happier note, I had an online test today for Maths. I had to answer 30 Mulitple Choice Questions and I got 84%, which I am so happy about.
Well I am off to Uni tomorrow and I plan on staying all day and I will probably enjoy it as I have two close friends, Courtney and Jess, with me all day.

Nightmares Aftermath

The truth is, I am now feeling so encouraged after what happened the other night. All those dreams, the sleepless night, my prayer when everything outside was making me scared and the constant questions that were thrown at me right throughout all the dreams, I now believe was an attack. I was speaking to Sarah Clarke yesterday, who read my blog and an email that I wrote to her because I was so upset and didn't know where else to turn, said that she also thought that what happened to me the other night was an attack.
I came to believe at Hillsong that when you are doing so much good in your life and through your faith, you are sometimes met with obstacles when you are almost there. This friday, I have been given the opportunity to speak to the youth at Doncaster Church of Christ through a devotional. Simon came up with the idea of getting the youth leaders to do a devotional at some of the Youth Group nights and I am up first. I was a little worried about the devotional, but after a great chat to Sarah Clarke, one of my mentors and friends, last Saturday afternoon, I am feeling so calm about it, knowing that God has given me this opportunity, where I can share with the kids part of my faith and allow them to be shown the glory of God.
Therefore the obstacle that I experienced the other night, where I was meant to question my faith, my relationship with Jono and various other friendhsips, within my dreams, I saw that everything in my life at the moment is so right. I am committed to everything, I am persuaded and I believe that I am on a right journey in my life. That attack was meant to hold me back, but all it has done is make me a lot stronger and sure that the things I was meant to question are all right.
I was definately not one that believed in attacks prior to the other night. I have heard a lot about them and I was still really deciding what I thought about them. However particularly through my chat with Sarah, I felt so encouraged and actually excited about my faith and my relationships. I cannot believe I was as strong as I was the other night, especially to pray when there was so much happening outside and feeling like there was so much evil in my room. I am now even more excited about where God is leading me and how he is going to use me especially on Friday night for Youth Group.

Nightmares

I am so shaken up right now, which may come from lack of sleep, infact 3 hours sleep. I am finding it really hard to type and discern what it is that has made me react the way I did. Last night I had a very sleepless night. I went to bed at 11.30pm and couldn't sleep until about 2.30am, but woke up 10 minutes later being woken from a bad dream, so I lay there analysing and really not liking the dream I had, where parts of it could have quite easily seemed true and could still come true. I went to sleep again at 3.30am, yet woke up 5 minutes later only to have had another bad dream. Once again I lay there analysing the dream, thinking it was real when I woke with a shock. By this stage I was sweating, but was going between hot and cold. I went back to sleep at 4.45am, yet woke up again 15 minutes later after the most horrible dream of my life. This dream I thought was real, I woke up really shocked, thinking that someone was touching me. I kept looking around my room, not knowing what to expect. I still thought that this dream was real and reached for my phone to tell the person it involved, yet as I continued to analyse the dream and where I was and who it was about I realised that it wasn't real. However I am so shaken up about this dream particularly as it could still come true. It is something that I have been questioning for awhile, yet I had got to the stage where I had forgotten about it and was so happy with life that I never wanted to turn back. Anwyay, by that stage I got up out of my bed and went to the toilet. It is now just after 5am and I continued to lay in bed. I reached to God in prayer, I didn't know what else to do, who else to turn to as no one is ever awake at this time. As I started to pray everything outside seemed to awake as well, my windows were shaking and the wind was picking up outside. I was so scared, but it is particularly heightened being night time. Well I couldn't sleep. I was awake then until 6.15am, hoping that in 15 minutes I could call or message someone, but I fell back asleep. I woke up again with another shock, with the falling feeling you sometimes get. I then was able to message someone, looking for comfort and support. I lay awake, got a reply from someone and then fell back asleep, only to wake up again to the sound of my alarm.
Last night was a horrible night, where I truly believe that there was so much evil in my room and so many things outside trying to upset me, especially when I was reaching for God. I am very much a sceptic of Spiritual Warfare, yet last night made me think differently about it. Spiritual Warfare has been explained to me many times and so have anxiety dreams, both of which I was questioning last night. Everything I dreamt felt so real and has made me feel very unbalanced this morning, even when I was walking to Uni, I felt so scared and I started crying, even though it is such a lovely day outside. Last night I was telling myself prior to going to bed that I had to rise above all the judgements that come from being in a new relationship and all the critisism that I face on a day to day basis about different things. I must continue to rise above the awful dreams I had last night and not let them effect me either.

God - my views

I just got challenged while speaking to a friend of mine from school, about writing a blog about God. He was intersted in reading my views on faith and God. My friend from school, Vinnie, is not a Christian, however has always been fascinated with my faith, especially when I did the Vetamorphus readings and also hearing about the things I was doing in Texts and Traditions, which is a subject studying John's Gospel. He and I have known one another since Prep, so are long time friends and I often loved sharing with him about my faith at school, because he seemed so excited about it.

Vinnie asked me this question...
Is it important to have a faith?
I was talking at Schoolies to a friend, Claire, who is atheist, therefore doesn't believe in anything. I was telling her that I was a Christian, so we started chatting about it. I said to her that it is sometimes hard to be a Christian as people often see you as weird and associate you with the evangelising stereotype. I also said that it is often hard to stand up and have confidence, especially in a school setting, when it comes to telling people that you are a Christian. Claire responded telling me that it was a lot harder being an atheist because you don't have a purpose in life, you are not living for something, something that is greater than you. She also told me that when you die, you just die, being an atheist is far more depressing because when you die, you have nothing to look forward to, for Christians there is heaven. This was really affirming of my faith.
So now using the story from above and kind of contradicting myself a little, I have to say that in some respects it is not that important to have a faith, however if you take the side that Claire took, it is important to have a faith. I have a faith because I was firstly brought to a church when I was younger, however I moved to owning it myself. I now own it because it gives my life depth, purpose and meaning. I have love for God and I wouldn't want my life any other way. However there are people who it isn't important for. If you live your life decently, with morals and values, similar to those that Christians live there lives by, I don't think it is important for you to have a faith to back it up. As a Christian, you are given an abundance of blessings in life and amazing riches when your life ends in heaven. You have a support of unconditional love from God, He is neverfaultering and unchanging in His love. He will continue to love those that don't have a faith, but ultimately it is a life choice and one that I have made because I think it is right. However it is not important for everyone to live a Christian life. It is great having something to believe in and live my life for. At the end of the day, God loves everyone and I know I can always turn to him in times when I need comfort or when I want to thank Him for a blessing that He has given me.

For me it is important to have a faith, however living a life with faith for other people isn't important. I just know that I have something to live for and give my life meaning. If you feel that it is important to live a life with purpose and meaning, living a life for something far greater than you, than I think it is important to have a faith. However, if you don't think it is important just remember to live your life decently with good morals and values, God will love you no matter what.

Well these are my views as a Christian or a section of them, it is hard to put my faith into words. There are so many differing views and beliefs, which is important, as it can strengthen what you believe, challenge you and continue your faith growth and journey. I know I am on a never ending journey with my faith, but it is something I am excited and passionate about. A lot of what I have said can constitue as being such Sunday School answers to faith, but I am so genuine about it all.
I hope this satisfies what Vinnie was after when challenging me to write this blog, however I was glad I did it. God is why I live and what I am living for, so it is a very important aspect of my life.