Balance

I don't know whether I should be putting this out while I am so fired up about things, however it may come across clearer if I do it now, when I am feeling the way I feel.

Balance has always been an issue for me. I always have to question where my priorities lie, who I am spending too much time with, whether I am allowing time for my own reflection and thought, whether I am spreading myself to thinly, whether I have too much happening for me to handle and a lot more. I often question these things so that it never comes back to bite me. However no matter what I do, no matter how much I think about the balance in my life, family and friends are always commenting on it. It seems I can never get it quite right and this annoys me so much, so much that I want to be able to throw a chair or something else in this room to let out some frustration. I am trying so hard these days to allow myself time, yet also allow time for my boyfriend, for school friends, church friends, for family, for church commitments, uni work and my job. Whether it is my boss, my parents, my friends, my sister, they are never happy with my balance. It is so unfair and I am becoming increasingly annoyed about it.

Sometimes I put myself out there and offer my time and myself, yet it is knocked back and the more it happens, the more it hurts. Yet then sometimes people turn around, even after I put myself out there and complain that I am not spending time with them. Gosh sometimes balancing everything is hard and surely people understand that.

I had a day today for myself, where I thought about Hillsong and Surrender and where I am going in life. Today was really needed and I am so glad I had it. However tonight after some complaints from various people including the huge ones from parents, I find myself again wanting time to myself, as there is more I need to sort through, playdates to organise, things to focus on, goals to be set and prioritise to be made. Apparently I am doing a crappy job of them at the moment and it is pulling me apart. I come back from a great, mega weekend and I am met with more obstacles. I know I am not the only one in this position, which is even harder as many people are facing battles and I want to be there for them, yet at the same time, I need to sit with my own thoughts and be selfish. I personally don't think it is wrong to be selfish, not all the time, but have time away from people before confronting things or taking steps or making decisions. I think it is really important to have your selfish moments.

Well after writing this blog, I don't know where I am left. I still have many questions, many things to face and people to talk to. I am not going to sleep for awhile, as I know I will stay awake thinking about all this crap. I wish I could just skip through the world, not having a care, with no conflict. That will never happen. All anyone has to do, is know that God is there by your side, helping you every step of the way, guiding you on your life journey with all the struggles along the way. I know it is hard to stay close to God when things are hectic, but I also know I have to do it. I have to trust in God that there is a brighter side, whenever that comes.
Things aren't terrible at the moment, they are actually pretty good, I am just getting annoyed at my constant judgement on balance, I don't find it fair at all. Everyone is trying there hardest and I get so angry when people are judged, yes I do it, but I am increasingly trying to stop because at the end of the day we are human and are doing our best.