Face Up

So many issues and so many opportunities to face up to them, yet are these opportunities ever taken?

So often lately I have found that when issues arise there are frequent opportunities for them to be resolved or at least discussed and processed, sometimes even just voiced. However more often than not these issues are left as issues and are not discussed or given the time needed for them. Issues within relationships are so delicate and I understand that it is very hard for them to be faced and discussed with the other person involved, however for a truly healthy relationship, issues need to be heard and faced up to.

There are so many negative consequences that occur when issues aren't faced up to. Some consequences that occur include the fact that issues are sometimes transformed into gossip. As I have written before, gossip is bad and something that many people live off, which is so sad. In a church setting the issues that occur can be passed so quickly around the church and can be even more damaging to relationships, especially if they get to the person they are about.
Other consequences which occur include the fact that issues are sometimes passed onto other people. Many people hold the many issues, to which people have trusted them with. It is often too heavy to bare the load of issues that are occurring between friends and can in turn be damaging to the person who has been trusted with the issues. These people often get involved without wanting to and it is so bad to put that burden on someone else and even make them feel apart of the issue occurring.
The obvious consequence is that for you. You are not facing up to your issue, something that is affecting you and creating you to be upset. The only person that can fix the problem is you and until you face up to the issue it is not going to fade away or be fixed, it is a burden that you are going to carry, until the day it is resolved, which could be never. I don't want to hear crap about people compressing it because from experience, you are going to crack and have an explosion. Literally a break down where you cannot cope with anything anymore and something little sets it off.

Now onto the positives in facing up to issues and discussing them with the people or person involved. There are so many wonderful occurrences when you face up to issues and of late I have had the privilege to be able to reap the many benefits.
When you face up to the problems and issues, you are given an opportunity to speak and discuss the issues with the person or people involved. Chances are that that person or people have issues with you and therefore you can wrestle with them together and maybe come to a resolution that all parties are happy with. In facing up to these issues, that weight that you felt with this issue lurching over you, is shed off and seriously when you have voiced the issue, a whole heap of burden is relieved. It is one of the best feelings to have an issue out in the open, not in the form of gossip, which sometimes makes you angrier, but through intentional discussion.
Another positive of facing up to issues is the calming effect that it creates within group situations. Issues normally put people and groups on the edge and within a friendship group this is the last thing anyone wants. With this issue out in the open, it is beneficial for all, especially if you have asked for advice from other people, confiding in other people with your issue.
I could seriously go on forever on how good it is to face up to issues and get them out in the open, but I will bore you and continue to repeat my sentiment of the fact that facing up to issues is beneficial and should be happening for people.

Too often we slide right past confrontation of issues and make other people think that everything is smooth sailing. However for everyone to be truly happy, I believe that confrontation is the key for a happy and successful relationship with anyone. Many of the confrontations I have had of late with friends and parents have been so beneficial for the relationship. This confrontation has made the relationship stronger and the level of trust has increased. I am a true believer in confrontation and I am continuing in confronting a lot of my issues, because so far I have felt a lot lighter and more free because I have voiced my issues.
It has made me so angry of late when people instead of going to the heart of the issue, skirt around it and sometimes tell everyone else or put it on the already burdened shoulders of others, and in turn aren't confronting their issues and endeavouring to resolve it.

Until you get out there and confront some of your issues, discussing and wrestling with them, you will never feel the utter pleasure of having weight baring issues shed away from your life. Do not make me angry anymore discuss your issues, cause confrontation and take the opportunity to confide in someone to talk through the issues in your life.

Grandma’s House

I was talking to someone today, who was telling me that after some feelings of annoyance and frustration, he went and had sometime to himself. I then felt challenged to do the same. A few blogs back, I wrote about having reflection time and finding the place to do this in. I wanted my grandma’s house to use and to reflect in, but said that my parents didn’t want me to do this.

Well right now I am disobeying my parents, my not be good for the fifth commandment, of honouring my mother and father, but I definitely needed this. I am sitting in my grandma's house. I have just sat and read through a book called ‘The Heavenly Man’. It is about the persecution that China and especially Brother Yun went through with their faith. It is very uplifting and I have only a few chapters to go.

I lived in this house for two years in 1994 and 1995 with my Grandma. Her house is situated on the same property as my house. My parents bought the land behind her house and for the two years that we were living there built the house that I am now living in and have been living in for almost twelve years now. I was about six years old when living in this house, so when you are that young you are totally oblivious to the many trials and tribulations that are occurring in your family. I was in my own little world, not having any problems. Being able to sit in this house now I remember not having a care in the world, I had no stresses or issues. Coming to this house for me now, feels as if there are no worries in the world, it is so peaceful and quiet, away from the stress that lies in my house only thirty metres from here. There are days where I feel I need to retreat and this being so close is ideal, but having the parents not agreeing with me, it is not always able to come about.

As I sit here now and soak up the surroundings it is so bare. My grandma died in 2003, when I was in year 9 and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think about her. Every morning, I open my curtains and look up at her house and reflect. She was a huge part of my life and someone so influential on the person I have become. It is really sad now to see this living room so bare and lifeless. I had planned on coming up here and sitting in her reading chair, but even that ahs gone, so I had to sit on one of the bad chairs, even though it is quite comfortable.

I am always drawn back to this place as it has such a huge influence on my life, being a place where I grew up and also, more importantly, the home of someone so special to me. It is a place that reminds me of happy, carefree days. It is definitely not the same with my grandma not present in it, but I have the many memories here.
My parents are planning on selling this house one day. I am very unhappy about that, as it will take away part of my childhood and also my heart. The next people to buy this house will most certainly knock it down as it is not worth keeping in the state that it is. The day I see this house fall down, will crush me. For now however I will enjoy every opportunity I get in this house, to absorb the family memories and the amazing lady, who lived here four years ago.

The feelings of peace within this house is making me forget and get away from the issues I know I face back down in my house and within the lives of my friends. For now I have a time away from that, this is something I am truly grateful for.

I will continue to question why my grandma died when she did and never forget the women that she was. She was amazing and someone who I loved very dearly. I can’t believe that it was just over four years ago when she lived in this house, where has the time gone.

Love Again

For about a year now I have had a favourite song, 'I Will Learn To Love Again' and it is from my favourite movie, 'The Perfect Man'. The movie is beautiful and makes me walk away feeling happy and as if I can face anything, anything that life throws at me.
During the movie, this song is played where three women, a mum and her two daughters dance around their living room. They are genuienly happy and for once in their life, something is going right and everyone in the family finally agrees on something.

I thought I would post the lyrics of the song. The words illustrate that after hurt in your life, especially in relationships that you can learn to love again. I have gone through hurt in one of my relationships and I know I can love again. However right now I am so happy to cruise along, living life to the maximum, appreciating everyone in my family, enjoying the friendships I hold with people and taking each day as they come.

I am definately still not hurting from that relationship and am well and truly over it, so the inspiration for this being my favourite song has not come from lingering feelings. I have been reflecting recently on my feelings about moving on and wanting so much to learn to love again. When I was going through that hard time, I didn't think I could love anyone ever again. However the strength I continue to gain everyday is helping me and reassuring me that I can infact love again.

I don't know what it is about 'The Perfect Man' that puts me into a great mood and having a positive outlook on life. Maybe all of you out there reading this should sit down and watch this movie, to see if it has the same impact on you.

Well here are the lyrics, enjoy reading...

"I Will Learn To Love Again"
KACI

Drowning in tears that wont be me
I will soon be free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it wont be long till I regain the strength to know
I can go on
I will find my way through the heart break I will not give up on love
I believe

[Chorus]
I will learn to love again I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to
Learn to love again

All of these tears time will dry them I will survive them
And make it through into another day all of this pain
Time will heal it there’ll be a time sometime I know
I won't feel it
I will live through life without you after the hurting is done
I believe

[Chorus]

I will find someone who deserves my touch after all the hurt is through
I will be so over you I will not give up on love
I believe yeah

[Chorus]

Oh yeah yeah oh oh love again

America

On Saturday at lunchtime I was meant to be jumping on a flight to America. I was going to be flying half way across the globe to visit my cousins and aunite and uncle for a three week trip. Now more than ever, I really feel like leaving my life behind me in Melbourne and setting off to build a relationship with my cousins, who I haven't seen in four years.

I had got my cousins all excited, because I told them that I was definately going to be coming this time. I say this time because I wanted to pack up my life in year11 and fly over to see them. I had told them in year11 also that I was going to be coming, yet like this time, I have falied.

My cousins had planned road trips, it was going to be my auntie's birthday and I would have been in America for Independence Day, which they were also planning. They had set up a bed for me and were telling all their friends. Jessica the older of the two, is 17 years old and someone I love very dearly and I know she will be bitterly upset. She had planned to take me camping and on a road trip. Amy, who is 15 years old, continued to send me MySpace messages telling me how excited she was, questioning whether I had got my ticket, when was the actual date and wondered what I wanted to do while I was over here.

Last week, after putting it off for ages, I rang their house, to tell them the bad news. Luckily, my auntie answered the phone. As soon as she realised who it was, she said "Can you believe you will be here in 10days time, are you getting excited?" Well I just started crying, I couldn't contain it any longer, I said to her "I would be getting excited if I was actually coming." Well both of us went silent and I explained the whole situation to her. Mum and Dad won't give me a loan for going to America, which is fair enough, as it sends a bad message to the other three kids in the family, as they can easily start saying "well where is my loan?" Also Dad just doesn't want to hand it over without me working for it, which I completely understand.

Right now I just want to run, leave some issues behind and go spend some time with other family. My life isn't terrible, but I as I wrote about having some time to myself, I want for that time to be in America. I know there will be issues over there that I could possibly come in the middle of, however I will be with my cousins. These girls mean the world to me and I want to be able to spend time with them.

Carey Uniform

Only 5 minutes ago, I tried on my Carey School Uniform. I was a very proud student at Carey and I would always wear my uniform with pride. There is something about the uniform that makes me feel proud and dignified when wearing it.
I love the whole concept of a uniform and think that anyone that wears a school uniform should be wearing it properly, no shirts out, socks pulled up and whenever possible, be in the school blazer. When I was in my uniform and walking in public, my school was on show, everyone could see my uniform and most could identify with it. People judge you with how you present yourself and I made sure that when out in public I was showing people my school pride. This may all sound like crap, but I loved that school and wanted to show it.

I was trying my winter uniform on today because on Friday for Youth Group, we have a 'School Daze' night. Simon and Jayson are running it and each of the leaders are teachers in a special field. Anyway so as I was looking at myself in the mirror, I felt a sense of sadness. The last time I wore the winter uniform was at Speech Night in November 2006, which was a very special night not only for me, but for the whole school. Speech Night is also something I take very serious and to some peoples amazement, actually look forward to it.
When I was reflecting on the fact that I was back in my uniform, I was so overwhelmed with sadness, for the simple fact that I wasn't at Carey Baptist Grammar School anymore. I spent the large percentage of my life, infact all 13 years of schooling at Carey and I can't believe I never get to walk through the gates, looking proud in my school uniform ever again.

So many people were so happy and excited about the fact that they will never have to wear their school uniform ever again and after that night, they sell it, some saying that they never want to see the sight of their uniform. I get really upset about this, as I am someone that loves my uniform and my school. I have always loved that school and cannot believe I can never go back there again.

I would love to do my whole schooling again, instead of going to Uni. I would jump at the opportunity to be back there. I would rather do year 12 again, then have to go to Uni. There was something about that school that made me so alive and proud to be there.
I cannot believe I will never be back there again and actually have to grow up, move on with my life and leave Carey behind.

On Friday, like always, I will wear my uniform with pride and enforce that everyone in a uniform, should have shirts tucked in, ties done up, all buttons done up and preferably wearing a blazer. When you are wearing your uniform, your school is on show. People judge your school by the pride that you take in your uniform. Principal after Principal enforced this at our school, and not once did I doubt it. I want to show people how much I love my school, just in the simple act of wearing my uniform well.

Chivalry

I had never heard of someone being chivalrous before becoming friends with one Chris Davies, now all I hear is people acting chivalrously and how someone could be more chivalrous or people having admiration for the level of chivalry.

I was out to dinner with a good friend tonight and they asked me a bizarre, random, yet interesting question...who do you think is the most chivalrous person in our church? This was then closely followed by, who do you think is the most genuine?
These are two incredibly difficult questions to answer and the fact is I am still so vague on the whole issue of acting chivalrously.

So what does Chivalry mean? I found a dictionary meaning which said "the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, courage, honour, courtesy, justice and readiness to help the weak." Yes this is a great definition, but not the one I was most after nor the one I am trying to explain. The next definition was "a man's courteous behaviour, especially towards women." This is the definition that I knew of and was explained to me, by Christopher Davies.

I haven't made up my mind whether I like the act of chivalry, as it is for women and it is showing a courteous nature towards women, for example, opening a door, standing when women enter the room, offering to pay etc. I don't know if I like this sentiment as I am someone that never wants to see women as weak people, I am not a feminist, yet someone that wants to get in and play hard and get rough with guys. I don't ever want to feel weak or not as dominant as men.

Honestly I think chivalry can just be classsified as having manners and not being chivalrous. Therefore if it was just classified as manners, men wouldn't have to make women look weak, everyone could have manners and then I wouldn't have to post about this subject.
In saying all this, there are things that really upset me about people and manners. For example; I cannot stand if people do not offer for things, however I understand that sometimes it is awkward, yet it is still polite. Along with manners, I cannot stand when people burp out loud (cough, cough, Elissa and Allysha). I cannot stand rudeness, I am going to make a fine Finishing School teacher one day. Simple please and thank you's and offering to help clean up, pack up or cook.

What really upsets me is when people say they are trying to act chivalrously, yet still fail to have common manners, it is defeating the purpose of it.
So chivalry, I think is bad and makes women look weak and that they cannot hold there own. However acting and being conscience of your manners, is something I value in people.

Reflection Time

You know what a lot of blogs now have been about how I am feeling, which is weird for me, especially posting it on the big World Wide Web.

With all the full on stuff and issues occuring lately I have felt as if I have needed personal reflection time, a time to myself, time to get away and think about stuff. I'd use this time to journal and pray. I was talking to Brother Benjamin about this on MSN one famous night this week and decided that it was just what the doctor ordered.

I have never been one for personl reflection as I have never felt as if there has been a space where I could do it. This topic often came up when I spoke to my Mentor, Bindy Albury, where we would wrestle with finding me a place to go and just think, meditate and pray. I needed and still need a space where I can go on a regular basis to all of this and much more. I pretty much need a 'Lauren Space'. I recommend that everyone invests in their own space, I know it would be good when I finally find it.

I have been on this adventure, where I have searched high and low for that space, for about 4 years. Isn't that ridiculous that I still cannot find a place. I decided that it couldn't be my room, on a count of the intense study that occured during year12 and therefore it has a bad vibe to it. For awhile I liked the idea of going to my grandma's house. My grandma died 4 years ago, hence why I have been on the search for 4 years. Her house is on the same property as ours. She was a very influential part of my life and therefore I thought it would be appropriate for my space to be there. However through much begging and tantrums, my parents didn't share the same opinions. Really there wasn't any tantrums or begging because it is a very delicate subject.

Anyway I am still on the hunt to find my space and would love any suggestions. I was thinking about making a cubby, but with the cold weather lately, a cubby outside wouldn't be ideal.

Gossip

I find myself up late once again on MSN with one Benjamin Chong. In thinking about the up late conversations, I was thinking about relationships in general and all the interesting twists and turns that they provide in our everyday lives. They also create much tension, frustration and plenty of gossip, which is bad.

The whole notion behind gossiping is bad. There are always going to be issues within groups, friendships and relationships, it is very hard to avoid it. However in my vast experience of friendships, relationships and group situations, gossiping makes everything worse. The rumours, the suspected interest of two people and feelings towards one another, everything, especially in the church environment, spreads like rapid fire. Every person that I have liked within the church, stupidly I have told people. This information continues to get past around the church, in peoples ears, for them to then pass onto the next person. I wish I could say I have learnt from that mistake, but I haven't, still to this day, I continue to discuss with people who I like. I have faith and trust in the people I have told things to that they will not pass it on. However putting such precious and potential awkward situations, in other peoples hands is frightening.

Continuing with gossip, what constitutes as gossip? How do we know if we are gossiping? I talk to people all the time about issues at the moment within our group at church, yet is that me gossiping or sorting through and discussing issues? I hate gossip, but what I would hate even more is if I was gossiping without even knowing it. So how are we ever going to avoid gossiping? When are people going to stop doing it? Probably never, because the sad fact is that people actually enjoy it and even live for it.

When hearing about other peoples issues, I often create them as my own problem, I internalize them and make them my own, thinking I can fix them and creating world peace, sometimes is just as likely. However in receiving a lot of these issues from people, it would be so easy to take all this information, where people have actually confided in me and gossip about them. Back in the day, I would have jumped at the oppotunity, yet now, I definately see the bad side effects that can occur. I know the problems that gossip creates and the tension it causes. However now, even today I was talking about some of the issues that people are having within my friendships, can I be called a gossiper?
You know what would solve all the problems...if people kept all their inner feelings, issues and problems to themselves, now is that healthy? Not for one second am I going to believe that actually keeping your feelings inside is a good thing. If you like someone, go tell them, if you have an issue with someone, it should be addressed or if you are having issues at home, you need to talk about them. Yet when talking about stuff, gossip starts to occur. Is there anyway out of the gossip trap? Personally I don't think so and you know what is the worst part about it, the fact that girls are the main culprits. It is widely known that girls do it all the time. We have sleepovers to chat about the newest person on our hot list or talk about all the issues in peoples lives. We compare stories, try and top one another with what we know and contiue to feed the level of knowledge, becoming more intrigued.
Gossiping is so wrong and I wish we could be people who listen to problems and issues, non-judgementally, confirm the person that they can confide in us and continually keep all the issues and problems of others within us.
Alright so what have we learnt:
Don't keep feelings inside, come out and say them
Talk through your issues
Be careful who you confide in
Be a person who is willing to listen, yet not spread and continually talk about others issues
Girls shouldn't have sleepovers
Main point: Gossip = Bad
I honestly didn't think this Blog would go like this. I was stuck for ideas and through many different starts of this blog, I created the materpiece of 'Gossip'.

Don't know if it is worth reading, but if you have got this far with reading it, I am sure you want your minutes of life back, which I cannot provide.
Enjoy xox

First Blog

Well a massive thanks firstly has to go to Jono, who continues to give me distractions, fun and hilarity with the internet, without him I would be studying right now or asleep or bored.

I have never been a fan of Blog sites or publishing Blogs. I never feel comfortable in posting all my inner feelins onto the internet for people to read. I admire people like Ben Chong and Jono Croxford who continue to post comments about different situations and feelings that are occuring in their lives. Some how I don't think I will ever live up to the masters of Blogging, no matter how hard I try, as they are so far ahead in excellence.

I think I will start my blogging career with some personal issues at the moment. My parents are away, they are in Europe. Dad comes back on Monday, however mum is away for another couple of weeks. Basically I am in charge of my house and my two older brothers. Everything has gone wrong with my parents going away and it happens every time.
The first weekend my parents were away Cameron decided that he would have friends over. Well one of the light poles outside were knocked down and are now lying in our garden. That was the first thing I saw as I drove in from State Youth Games. Well the problems continued from there. All the electrical switches in the kitchen and random lights around the house have blown, therefore we had to have take-away for dinner when I got home on Monday night.
Then today after a grueling exam for Uni, I went to check on Ally's bird, Tiki and it was lying dead in the cage. I hadn't checked on the bird for about a week, it had no food, yucky water and the cage was a mess. I was so upset and I had to go tell Ally, who is staying at a friends house while my parents are away.
Seriously this house is in a total mess as soon as mum leaves. Also I love that because I am in charge I have to clean it up and take control otherwise this house would fall apart.

It is full on at the moment, especially with friendships. I was discussing with someone that within our friendship group at church we could seriously create a TV show or a book. Chris has left for America and that is kind of hard to deal with because he is like a mentor, but now he is too far away to have our usual good discussions. However in saying all this, there are so many people still in Australia that I know I can rely on. Just tonight I got calls from four very close people to me and it was great to hear little segments of their lives and discuss stuff about my life. Simon said about a month back that I am so intentional with my relationships and it is true. I struggle just going one day without being in communication with people, which is why I have such a huge phone bill.

Well I have to say that my first blog didn't go so badly. I hope they can become progressively better as time goes on.